Episode 6

MUSIC: “Our Story Begins”

SORCERESS: When last we left our heroes, they had gained the unlikeliest ally of them all, Skeletor. Skeletor saw reason: if Dr. Claw succeeds in uniting Castle Grayskull with Mumm-Ra’s pyramid, then he will consume all of Eternia with him.

SKELETOR: So, really, it’s all about self-preservation. Which is very evil. I’m not becoming good.

SORCERESS: Yes, Skeletor, that is very clear to everyone.

SKELETOR: Just making sure.

SORCERESS: This isn’t the Filmation continuity. You said so yourself earlier.

SKELETOR: So?

SORCERESS: (harshly) So stop whining and act like a supervillain.

SKELETOR: Fine. (mumbles) Use my own words against me… how dare she!!

(fade out music)

(dramatic pause)

MUSIC: “O Fortuna”

(play introduction, then:)

SORCERESS: The solar eclipse over Castle Grayskull begins as a lone figure stands before the closed jawbridge, raising his Havoc Staff into the air, and calling out…

SKELETOR: (yelling) Dr. Claw!! … Dr. Claw!!

DR. CLAW: Skeletor! I see you have returned.

SKELETOR: (yelling) Castle Grayskull is mine to conquer, you faceless freak!

DR. CLAW: “Faceless freak?” Skeletor, this isn’t the Filmation continuity so you can dispense with the childish insults and tell me why you’ve come.

SKELETOR: No more henchmen, no more dirty tricks… just the two of us, for control of Castle Grayskull.

DR. CLAW: I have some time before the moment of totality to amuse myself with you, so why not?

SOUND: Jawbridge Descending

SKELETOR: That’s right, come out and face me you coward!

SOUND: boom!

DR. CLAW: What have I told you about the childish insults, bone brain?

SKELETOR: “Bone brain?” Now who’s got the childish insults?

SOUND: force lighting

DR. CLAW: Take that!

SOUND: electricity dissipates

SKELETOR: Please… Force lighting? What are we, playing in a sandbox on Tatoonie?

DR. CLAW: It looks like this could go on for a while, then.

SKELETOR: I have all day. The moon is covering 25% of the sun now, so you’re the one on the clock.

(music interlude – “O Fortuna”)

(crossfade music to:)

MUSIC: “Ryno’s Theme”

SORCERESS: Around the side of the Castle, the Unliklies use the same secret passage way to gain entry again.

SOUND: insert & turn key

SOUND: door creaks open

ORKO: After you…

CHIP: Now, I insist, after you…

ORKO: No, really, after you.

CHIP: No, seriously… after you!

DALE: Not their catchphrases.

KWAZZI: I know, and I think we all just realized that we missed the boat by not adding those two gophers to our little group. Think of the comedy relief!

LARRY: Yeah, but it’s past Plot Point II so you can’t add new characters. Anyway, let’s all get inside before we’re discovered.

(music interlude – “Ryno’s theme”)

ORKO: Okay, so the elevator should be this way.

BEAST MAN: Not so fast!

ORKO: Beast Man!

SOUND: whip cracks

VOICE: Orko cries in pain

BEAST MAN: Like fish in a barrel.

LARRY: Orko!

MIKEY: That’s it, dude. Prepare to taste my hot nunchuck fury!

SOUND: whirling nunchuckus

MIKEY: Boo-ya-ka-shah!!!

SOUND: crack!

SOUND: WHIP CRACKS

VOICE: Mikey groans

(fade out music as:)

VOICE: beast man laughs

MUSIC: “Epic Unease”

LARRY: Our best fighter is down, so is our strategist. (then) Anyone got any ideas?

(music interlude – “Epic Unease”)

(dramatic silence)

MUSIC: “Princes of the Universe” by Queen

(interlude till music starts)

SOUND: clash!

SOUND: clang!

SKELETOR: Ready to give up, Claw?

DR. CLAW: Never!

SOUND: FORCE LIGHTING

DR. CLAW: Victory is in my grasp!

SOUND: ELECTRICITY DISSIPATES

SKELETOR: I didn’t fall for that before, what makes you think now will be any better? En garde, my foe!

SOUND: CLANG!

SOUND: foot slips on gravel

DR. CLAW: No…

SOUND: footsteps

SKELETOR: Did you almost fall? That bottomless gorge would end this battle real quick, wouldn’t it?

SOUND: FORCE LIGHTING

DR. CLAW: The sun is 60% dark, Skeletor. I have other things to do today!

SOUND: ELECTRICITY DISSIPATES

VOICE: Dr. Claw growls in frustration

SOUND: picking up magically

DR. CLAW: Enough of this.

SOUND: throwing magically

SKELETOR: Force trickery? I easily dodge your…

SOUND: FORCE LIGHTING

VOICE: Skeletor screams in pain

DR. CLAW: We call that a “feint,” Skeletor. That’s a fancy big word for fake-out.

SKELETOR: (through gritted teeth) I know what it means.

DR. CLAW: Really?

SOUND: FORCE LIGHTING

DR. CLAW: Because it doesn’t seem like you do.

VOICE: SKELETOR SCREAMS IN PAIN

(fade out music & sfx)

MUSIC: “Controlled Chaos”

BEAST MAN: Here, kitty, kitty…

SOUND: punch

VOICE: ooof! (Kwazzi)

SOUND: body hits the floor

BEAST MAN: All too easy.

LARRY: You’re not cool enough for that catchphrase, Beast Man!

SOUND: punch

SOUND: PUNCH

VOICE: Howl

BEAST MAN: How are you…?

SOUND: PUNCH

BEAST MAN: No fists! He has no fists!

CHIP: And besides, I thought Christians were supposed to turn the other cheek!

LARRY: There’s a really big, long explanation that puts the Sermon on the Mount, where that comes from, in its proper contextual place and … Yikes!!

BEAST MAN: (laughs) Usually it’s the villain who talks himself to death. Poor cucumber.

VOICE: beast man grunts

SOUND: distant thump

BEAST MAN: The turtle is down. The pirate cat is history. The cucumber is out. It all comes down to two chipmunks and a floating shirt.

VOICE: BEAST MAN LAUGHS

ORKO: What’d’we do? What d’we do? What d’we do???

(fade out music & sfx)

(dramatic pause)

MUSIC: “PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE” BY QUEEN

DR. CLAW: The sun is 85% covered.

SOUND: FORCE LIGHTING

VOICE: SKELETOR SCREAMS IN PAIN

DR. CLAW: You are defeated. I have plenty of time to assume the throne and accept all of the powers of a mighty god after finishing you off. Any last words, Skeletor?

SKELETOR: (labored) Yes… let me… let me hold my Havoc Staff. It is… all… I have left.

DR. CLAW: Very well.

SOUND: scraping on gravel

DR. CLAW: Now, then, time to die.

SOUND: FORCE LIGHTING

VOICE: Dr. Claw laughs

SOUND: ELECTRICITY DISSIPATES

VOICE: DR. CLAW GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION

DR. CLAW: What the — !?

SKELETOR: Fool! You should never have let me hold the very source of my magical power.

SOUND: magic blast

VOICE: Dr. Claw screams in pain

SKELETOR: I betray everyone in the end. How is it none of you see my treachery coming until it’s too late?

SOUND: hit with havoc staff

SKELETOR: Oh, by the way, this thing also doubles as a melee weapon. Take this!

SOUND: golf swing

VOICE: DR. CLAW SCREAMS

(cut off music)

SOUND: wind blowing up from gorge soundscape

SOUND: gravel scraping/scratching

SKELETOR: Well, well, well. You’re hanging on with those metal hands of yours, over the bottomless gorge outside Grayskull.

DR. CLAW: Help!

SKELETOR: I betray everyone, Dr. Claw. Foes, allies, it matters not who they are. And yet, no one sees it coming until it’s too late.

DR. CLAW: Skeletor! I’ll share Grayskull with you! Anything! Help me!

SKELETOR: I know it’s not my catchphrase, but it somehow seems appropriate for this moment. (slowly) Long live the king.

SOUND: havoc staff stamping on ground

SOUND: gravel scrape

DR. CLAW: Noooooooooo!!!! I will get my revenge!

(fade out Dr. Claw’s line)

SKELETOR: I’m sure you will, since you were contracted for three audio dramas and this is only two. Now, inside with me!

(fade out sfx)

MUSIC: “Bumbling Henchmen”

BEAST MAN: Okay, magician. I’ll give you a freebee. Do your worst.

ORKO: Dibble, dabble, double, dope, turn that whip into a rope!

SOUND: Orko’s magic working

BEAST MAN: Wait… what’s going on…

SOUND: rope tightens

BEAST MAN: Hey!

(crossfade music to:)

MUSIC: “RYNO’S THEME”

BEAST MAN: That’s not fair! Let me out!

CHIP: This way…

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

(keep looping footsteps)

DALE: Little further…

CHIP: After you!

BEAST MAN: Where is … wait!

SOUND: cell door slams

(stop footsteps)

BEAST MAN: Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

SOUND: rattling bars

BEAST MAN: Hey! Let me out!

(musical interlude – “Ryno’s theme”)

(fade out music, then:)

MUSIC: “Royal Palace”

SORCERESS: At the Royal Palace of Eternia, Orko and the rest of the Unliklies gather for one final time to tell their tale of bravery and heroism to Eternia’s greatest hero, He-man.

ORKO: And then boom! We just left him in the dungeon. It was great.

HE-MAN: That’s an impressive story, Orko. I’m proud of you… and everyone!

VOICE: all say thank you

HE-MAN: I wish I could have been there to help you, but I’m so happy you were able to take care of all this yourselves. And with Skeletor’s help, too!

ORKO: Yeah! And he didn’t try to betray us or anything!

SORCERESS: Orko, it is time for everyone to go.

orko: Aw, geez, guys, I’m gonna miss all of you.

VOICE: everyone says they’ll miss orko

LARRY: If you ever need us, you know what to do.

KWAZZI: Aye, mate.

SOUND: space portal opens

SORCERESS: Good bye, my friends.

MIKEY: Bye, dudes!

SOUND: entering space portal

CHIP: Later!

DALE: A-dee-os!

SOUND: ENTERING SPACE PORTAL

SOUND: ENTERING SPACE PORTAL

KWAZZI: I can’t wait to tell the cap’n about all this. You, Orko, are as great a leader as ‘e is!

SOUND: ENTERING SPACE PORTAL

ORKO: Thanks!

LARRY: God bless you, Orko. I’ll pray for you every night.

SOUND: ENTERING SPACE PORTAL

SOUND: space portal closes

HE-MAN: They’re some great friends, Orko. You were lucky to have them. And to think,they were chosen by Dr. Claw specifically because they were silly sidekicks he didn’t think would beat him.

ORKO: And I was supposed to be their leader. Because I’m the least capable for that, I guess.

HE-MAN: Don’t be so down on yourself. You proved everyone wrong. You were a true leader.

ORKO: Yeah… I was!

HE-MAN: Only one thing bothers me a bit about your story, though.

ORKO: What’s that?

(crossfade music to:)

MUSIC: “Skeletor’s Theme”

HE-MAN (on radio): What happened to Skeletor?

VOICE: Skeletor laughs

SKELETOR: What, indeed, He-man? Ah, the throne of Castle Grayskull. Mine at last! Those fools should have checked up on me when they had the chance! I even said it myself… I betray everybody!

SOUND: static burst

MUMM-RA (on radio): Dr. Claw… come in Dr. Claw!

SKELETOR: Hmmm… what have we here?

MUMM-RA (ON RADIO): Dr. Claw… You missed the eclipse deadline to unite our powers. But there’s another chance, if you want to take it. Come in, Dr. Claw… come in!

SKELETOR: This is intriguing. (then) Who is this? Who am I speaking to?

MUMM-RA (ON RADIO): Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living. Who is this?

SKELETOR: I am Skeletor, the rightful ruler of Castle Grayskull. Perhaps we can cut some kind of deal, Mumm-Ra.

VOICE: SKELETOR LAUGHS

(fade out music)

(dramatic pause)

MUSIC: “He-man’s Theme”

SORCERESS: Oh, no! We have come to the end of our little audio drama, but this can’t possibly be the actual end. Besides, Skeletor gave away Dr. Claw’s contract specifics!! He has one more series to go! We shall return, sometime in the future, to find out what becomes of this. (then) “The Unliklies” was written and produced by Cory Tucholski. All voices provided by Cory Tucholski. Music from Filmation’s “He-man and the Masters of the Universe” composed by Haim Saban and Shuki Levy. Additional music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com, appearing under a Creative Commons 3.0 attribution & share alike license. Sound effects available on freesound.org, also under a Creative Commons license. This audio drama is distributed under the same license; for more information visit creativecommons.org. Thank you for listening all the way to the end of our drama!

(PLAY OUT THE FINAL “He! Man!”)